I remember this phrase meaning two things for me as a youngster -- New Kids on the Block, and the slightly annoying sitcom that ran just about the same time as the song. Ironically they had nothing to do with one another, yet both came into public view during a decade when it seemed more and more common to hear the term "step-[fill-in-the-blank]."
During my school years, it became less and less common for my classmates to come from homes with two parents. As a single-parent home dweller myself, it was comforting for me to find friendships with other children from "broken" homes. Somehow it seemed to hurt deep inside when friends of mine had both parents at home. It was like a reminder of what I did not have when visiting these friends, and led to feelings of jealousy that were hard to control.
My first experience with a "step" relative was not a parent, but instead was a grandparent. After my grandparents ended their 35 year marriage, we were charting new territory. It was already "normal" to us kids not to have married parents, but what now that our grandparents were no longer married? What would become of our relationships with each grandparent? Would we see them more often? less often? Would it be "the same" as before? Many of these answers were not long delayed in presenting themselves, and in many different forms.
First came the remarriage of our grandparents. As children, we obviously did not know the half of what led to the divorce of our grandparents. This also applied to their new relationships -- all we knew was that there were new people in our lives, and basically we were to treat them the same as we were brought up to treat all adults. Just when we had adjusted fairly well to having step-grandparents, then the step-parents came.
I am thankful that step-grandparents came first in our lives. It was almost a training course for step-parents. I am extremely thankful that step-parents were not present in our lives as school children. The effect of the remarriage of your parents on the child is hard to describe. After no less than 4 step-parents in the past 10 years, to say it's been a roller coaster would be putting it mildly.
My husband and I married in 2002. By that time, my mother was on marriage number three...and expecting child number four. I remember well the feelings that rushed in as I was given the news of my new sibling to arrive that winter. My first thought was that my mother would be "showing" at our wedding. Oh, well...if there's one thing you can't control, it's others and their actions, right?
My father's second marriage would come the same summer as my own. Mother's third divorce took place in 2008, but only after being filed a third time. In 2009, my mother married a fourth time, and during my second separation from my husband in three years. I attended the service with my then two year old son, and fought back tears as I thought back to my own wedding a few short (and long) years before.
It's hard for me to accept folks blaming their parents for their adult problems, and therefore I restrain myself from doing this to my family (or myself). I am my own person, and I alone am responsible for my actions. As I think back on my three (so far) step-fathers and my current step-mother, I can't help but think about the before (and after) times.
Life seems to have been segmented for me. There's the period of my parent's marriage, then their separation, and then their divorce. After that follows my mother's second marriage, her second divorce, third marriage, then my marriage. Then comes the birth of my third sibling (and second brother). Some years later my brother's father and my mother finally divorced after years of turmoil (and a miscarriage). There was a period of calm while Mother was again a single mother, and then came marriage number four.
I love and appreciate my current step-father. He has proven himself different from the rest, even from my own father. I am pained with knowledge of marital turmoil between my mother and step-father. I find myself dreading what seems to fall into the pattern of my mother's marrying habits. Now that things aren't "just so" between Mother and Step-father, I fear that, yet again, I'll be watching yet another divorce play out like a soap opera.
I find myself very often frustrated with both of my parents. There's the strained relationship with Father that was only complicated by his marriage to Step-mother and later his declining health. I fear that his death will come before the bonds are fully restored, and I feel resentment towards Step-mother for her role in the fractured family. I often resent Mother for introducing this revolving door of men into our lives. I still resent not being invited to three of four re-marriages of our parents. Having attended the most recent marriage ceremony, I can't help but feel more connected to not only the man, but also to the relationship with my step-father.
I also find myself feeling guilty for my own role in fractured familial relationships. I was not true to my husband in word or deed. I spoke ill of him for years, and was not honest with him about my feelings. I feel now that I was only acting as taught by example, yet I do not blame either parent for my actions. I know deep down that both of my parents (and grandparents, for that matter) have always acted in my best interest, or as best they were able while dealing with their own "demons."
I have written this post in two efforts as it is such a difficult topic for me to discuss. I feel that my rambling is a sign of more writing to come. Please stay tuned for more "growing up," and as always comments are welcomed!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment