Divorce, until death does it linger...

Divorce is a painful experience, and for so many more people than one would initially think about.  I think of divorce like suicide in some ways.  It’s said that when a person commits suicide, it’s really a very selfish act.  While the depressed individual might feel that they are ending their pain, in reality they are hurting so many in this world that it’s impossible to measure the effects.

When couples chose to divorce, it’s almost like committing suicide to their marriage.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I do not think that all marriages are healthy, and I do believe that divorce is unfortunately necessary for couples that just can’t make it work.  The effects of divorce, however, are often not considered.  When couples are understandably wrapped-up in their personal issues with one another, it’s not natural for them to think of how many people would be touched should they end their marriage.

It does seem common for couples considering divorce to think of their children should they be present in the marriage.  I’ve talked to some couples in my years that have told me that they chose to stay together for their children.  I’ve talked to others that told me that the opposite seemed best for their family, especially in cases where violence would result from arguments.

I myself have come from a “broken” home with divorced parents, and also came to the brink of divorce with my husband twice in our marriage.  Thankfully, my family remains intact.  It is our successful reconciliation that gives me hope and strength each day, and encourages me to share our experiences with others.

The separation in my marriage affected our young son, and more than I could see at the time.  We now feel that we are trying some days to reverse the damage done during that brief period of his young life.  Since I personally feel responsible for inflicting this confusion on my son, I work very hard to “correct” the damage done with as much patience as I have in my bones each day.

The story of my marriage is unusual, complicated, and yet happy all at the same time.  My husband and I have been through both Heaven and Hell together, and are thankful each day to still have one another for the strength and comfort that only a spouse can offer.  We are thankful to now have two beautiful children, both of whom we are raising in a loving, supportive environment as best we are able.

When my parents divorced, I know they discussed the effect on their three children.  I don’t think they realized that these actions taken almost twenty years ago would still be affecting their children today, even as adults.  I praise my parents for their best efforts, and would never judge a parent knowing that there is more factors than one can understand in the parent to child relationship.

I find myself today feeling appreciation for the “pause” that was taken by my parents following their divorce.  From the time that my parents separated and later divorced until I graduated high school, neither my siblings nor I really knew of any “adult” relationships maintained by our parents.  For their choices to remain single parents during our formative childhood years, I thank them.

Both of my parents have since remarried.  My father is still married to his second wife of nine years.  My mother is currently on husband number four, and without much promise of success this time, either.  Just like the ripple effect felt by divorce, remarriage of your parents seems to have the same type of effects.  There are so many “new” issues present when there is a stepparent introduced into a family, even when the children are grown.

Visits become more complicated as everyone’s needs are considered.  Plans are difficult to complete as the feelings of the newer family members come into play, when before their joining the family it was business as usual.  With my mother’s marital roller coaster over the last ten years, there have been three husbands introduced into our family.  Two, of course, are no longer considered “family members” following the divorces.  Ultimately, it feels wasteful of time and emotion to even bother getting to know someone that’s just going to be a memory before too long.

My mother’s most recent husband has been different.  Understandably, none of us were eager to learn much about this man when it seemed like he would just be another spoke on the wheel.  After he and my mother married, however, we started to grow closer to this new stepfather.

Now as an adult daughter, I find myself in a very awkward position in life.  Mother’s fourth marriage is on the rocks, and we stand to lose yet another paternal influence in our lives.  There is a part of your troubled soul that grows weary from the back and forth, up and down that comes along with marriages in turmoil.

After living in a dysfunctional home as a child, I vowed to “change” as a newly married young woman.  Before I knew it, I was repeating many of the same mistakes I feel my mother has a pattern and history of committing as a wife and mother.  While I find incredible satisfaction in learning from my mistakes and turning my life around, I now find myself watching my mother’s relationship crumble…without a single word or deed available from me to “save” them.

I have a long time family friend that laments the loss of my childhood.  Being the eldest of three with parents divorcing before we hit middle school, I don’t think it’s any secret that I played a big role in raising my siblings.  When I left home, I rebelled as many young people do.  At the brink of success or failure in my life, I met my husband.  He took the reigns from me in some ways, and helped to raise my siblings and me.  I think that my husband came into our lives at a time when we strongly needed a strong male figure to fill the void left by our then absent father.

I find myself now, at 30, raising two children with my husband…and still feeling like I’m raising my parents.  With a mother that seems to think like a teenager, and a father that sadly has partied himself into poor health…it’s all one can do to stop the cycle, and do better next time.

I welcome comments, suggestions, and input…whatever!  I share my story and feelings so that others living through similar situations might find some comfort.  If you are reading this blog and feel alone in your journey, take heart!  You are not alone, and there are fellow travelers that will help you when you are wounded.  We are all on a journey in this life.  To close, let me share a quote that I recently saw on a sign – How you spend your days, is how you spend your life!  I pray that this day will be spent in love, happiness, and safety for you and yours.