A wise friend once told me to remember things as they were at that moment in time as things were sure to change before long. This friend is officially a family member on paper, but will always remain my "best friend" in my heart. He was referring to relationships between siblings and significant others at the time, but as I mature I realize that his simple comment applies to all relationships and situations in life.
My mother raised us in a spontaneous house. My father was absent for the majority of our childhood. Those two facts were ingrained into us as children. Mom was quick to make any situation fun, and Dad was someone not to count on calling, showing up, or generally supporting much at all. Don't get me wrong. Mom's spontaneity did not make her "the fun parent," nor did Dad's absence make him "the bad parent." They both had their pros and cons, and were dramatically different in so many ways.
I find myself now frustrated with the role that step-parents have filled for our parents, and how it changed the people we knew as Mom and Dad. Mom's spontaneous nature is still there, but is often tempered with, "Well, I would, but Step-father doesn't want to." Dad's absence seems to be less now by his own desire, and more so with Step-mother's lack of desire for contact and interaction.
It's been a very confusing life this way. After two decades of "training," it can be very hard to re-learn your parents and their "new" ways. I have personally resorted to a withdrawal of contact and affection with my parents. I know this is probably not the best thing for any of us, but I've found it to be less painful. It's easier not to plan last minute events and trips with Mother, only to be disappointed with the "plan's" disapproval by Step-father. It's also easier to speak minimally by phone with Father than to visit, only to be put-off by Step-mother's attitude and comments.
Very often I feel like when one family didn't "work out," then our respective parents sought comfort in "new families." The feeling left behind with the children (even as adults) is one of discarded love. I know this is not true. I know my parents still love us all, there is no doubt in my mind on that fact. Facts and feelings are so very different, however, and both are very difficult to "train."
The facts are ugly, and the feelings even uglier. There's the facts that are "safe." Those that are allowed to be shared with extended family, and those that are dark secrets in the closet of life's house. Surrounding all facts are the deep emotions tied to it all, ranging from pure joy to utter despair.
I am currently reading a fictional book that was working on fully gaining my attention. Then there was a line that stopped me on the page like a hammer to my brain. "We need parents when we're old too." I'm too long from school to remember citation rules, so I'll do my best. This line came from Michael Ondaatje's "Anil's Ghost." The writer is a favorite of mine since high school when "The English Patient" hit the screen. His writing is poetic and dream-like to me, and each time I allow myself to become entangled in his novels I find myself the better for the time spent.
What I thought would be a "time killing" read since it was the only book to be found following our move has become something that I yearn to spend more time with. What a profound and yet simple sentence. It reminded me of the day that my friend asked me to take it all in before it all went away.
And it did go away. There were break-ups, moves, marriages, births, deaths, fights, hugs, cries...a little bit of everything that life throws at us all in our day-to-day journeys. I will always remember the time that I considered to be so happy in my early adulthood with a bittersweet taste. It was the first time that I realized that family is what you make of it.
I write with the collaboration of my dear sister and grandmother. I welcome comments, suggestions for new topics, questions...whatever comes to mind. This is a labor of love for me as I do my best to "get it all out." I feel that it's a sometimes messy and tedious process, but I shall return again. :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Step by Step
I remember this phrase meaning two things for me as a youngster -- New Kids on the Block, and the slightly annoying sitcom that ran just about the same time as the song. Ironically they had nothing to do with one another, yet both came into public view during a decade when it seemed more and more common to hear the term "step-[fill-in-the-blank]."
During my school years, it became less and less common for my classmates to come from homes with two parents. As a single-parent home dweller myself, it was comforting for me to find friendships with other children from "broken" homes. Somehow it seemed to hurt deep inside when friends of mine had both parents at home. It was like a reminder of what I did not have when visiting these friends, and led to feelings of jealousy that were hard to control.
My first experience with a "step" relative was not a parent, but instead was a grandparent. After my grandparents ended their 35 year marriage, we were charting new territory. It was already "normal" to us kids not to have married parents, but what now that our grandparents were no longer married? What would become of our relationships with each grandparent? Would we see them more often? less often? Would it be "the same" as before? Many of these answers were not long delayed in presenting themselves, and in many different forms.
First came the remarriage of our grandparents. As children, we obviously did not know the half of what led to the divorce of our grandparents. This also applied to their new relationships -- all we knew was that there were new people in our lives, and basically we were to treat them the same as we were brought up to treat all adults. Just when we had adjusted fairly well to having step-grandparents, then the step-parents came.
I am thankful that step-grandparents came first in our lives. It was almost a training course for step-parents. I am extremely thankful that step-parents were not present in our lives as school children. The effect of the remarriage of your parents on the child is hard to describe. After no less than 4 step-parents in the past 10 years, to say it's been a roller coaster would be putting it mildly.
My husband and I married in 2002. By that time, my mother was on marriage number three...and expecting child number four. I remember well the feelings that rushed in as I was given the news of my new sibling to arrive that winter. My first thought was that my mother would be "showing" at our wedding. Oh, well...if there's one thing you can't control, it's others and their actions, right?
My father's second marriage would come the same summer as my own. Mother's third divorce took place in 2008, but only after being filed a third time. In 2009, my mother married a fourth time, and during my second separation from my husband in three years. I attended the service with my then two year old son, and fought back tears as I thought back to my own wedding a few short (and long) years before.
It's hard for me to accept folks blaming their parents for their adult problems, and therefore I restrain myself from doing this to my family (or myself). I am my own person, and I alone am responsible for my actions. As I think back on my three (so far) step-fathers and my current step-mother, I can't help but think about the before (and after) times.
Life seems to have been segmented for me. There's the period of my parent's marriage, then their separation, and then their divorce. After that follows my mother's second marriage, her second divorce, third marriage, then my marriage. Then comes the birth of my third sibling (and second brother). Some years later my brother's father and my mother finally divorced after years of turmoil (and a miscarriage). There was a period of calm while Mother was again a single mother, and then came marriage number four.
I love and appreciate my current step-father. He has proven himself different from the rest, even from my own father. I am pained with knowledge of marital turmoil between my mother and step-father. I find myself dreading what seems to fall into the pattern of my mother's marrying habits. Now that things aren't "just so" between Mother and Step-father, I fear that, yet again, I'll be watching yet another divorce play out like a soap opera.
I find myself very often frustrated with both of my parents. There's the strained relationship with Father that was only complicated by his marriage to Step-mother and later his declining health. I fear that his death will come before the bonds are fully restored, and I feel resentment towards Step-mother for her role in the fractured family. I often resent Mother for introducing this revolving door of men into our lives. I still resent not being invited to three of four re-marriages of our parents. Having attended the most recent marriage ceremony, I can't help but feel more connected to not only the man, but also to the relationship with my step-father.
I also find myself feeling guilty for my own role in fractured familial relationships. I was not true to my husband in word or deed. I spoke ill of him for years, and was not honest with him about my feelings. I feel now that I was only acting as taught by example, yet I do not blame either parent for my actions. I know deep down that both of my parents (and grandparents, for that matter) have always acted in my best interest, or as best they were able while dealing with their own "demons."
I have written this post in two efforts as it is such a difficult topic for me to discuss. I feel that my rambling is a sign of more writing to come. Please stay tuned for more "growing up," and as always comments are welcomed!!!
During my school years, it became less and less common for my classmates to come from homes with two parents. As a single-parent home dweller myself, it was comforting for me to find friendships with other children from "broken" homes. Somehow it seemed to hurt deep inside when friends of mine had both parents at home. It was like a reminder of what I did not have when visiting these friends, and led to feelings of jealousy that were hard to control.
My first experience with a "step" relative was not a parent, but instead was a grandparent. After my grandparents ended their 35 year marriage, we were charting new territory. It was already "normal" to us kids not to have married parents, but what now that our grandparents were no longer married? What would become of our relationships with each grandparent? Would we see them more often? less often? Would it be "the same" as before? Many of these answers were not long delayed in presenting themselves, and in many different forms.
First came the remarriage of our grandparents. As children, we obviously did not know the half of what led to the divorce of our grandparents. This also applied to their new relationships -- all we knew was that there were new people in our lives, and basically we were to treat them the same as we were brought up to treat all adults. Just when we had adjusted fairly well to having step-grandparents, then the step-parents came.
I am thankful that step-grandparents came first in our lives. It was almost a training course for step-parents. I am extremely thankful that step-parents were not present in our lives as school children. The effect of the remarriage of your parents on the child is hard to describe. After no less than 4 step-parents in the past 10 years, to say it's been a roller coaster would be putting it mildly.
My husband and I married in 2002. By that time, my mother was on marriage number three...and expecting child number four. I remember well the feelings that rushed in as I was given the news of my new sibling to arrive that winter. My first thought was that my mother would be "showing" at our wedding. Oh, well...if there's one thing you can't control, it's others and their actions, right?
My father's second marriage would come the same summer as my own. Mother's third divorce took place in 2008, but only after being filed a third time. In 2009, my mother married a fourth time, and during my second separation from my husband in three years. I attended the service with my then two year old son, and fought back tears as I thought back to my own wedding a few short (and long) years before.
It's hard for me to accept folks blaming their parents for their adult problems, and therefore I restrain myself from doing this to my family (or myself). I am my own person, and I alone am responsible for my actions. As I think back on my three (so far) step-fathers and my current step-mother, I can't help but think about the before (and after) times.
Life seems to have been segmented for me. There's the period of my parent's marriage, then their separation, and then their divorce. After that follows my mother's second marriage, her second divorce, third marriage, then my marriage. Then comes the birth of my third sibling (and second brother). Some years later my brother's father and my mother finally divorced after years of turmoil (and a miscarriage). There was a period of calm while Mother was again a single mother, and then came marriage number four.
I love and appreciate my current step-father. He has proven himself different from the rest, even from my own father. I am pained with knowledge of marital turmoil between my mother and step-father. I find myself dreading what seems to fall into the pattern of my mother's marrying habits. Now that things aren't "just so" between Mother and Step-father, I fear that, yet again, I'll be watching yet another divorce play out like a soap opera.
I find myself very often frustrated with both of my parents. There's the strained relationship with Father that was only complicated by his marriage to Step-mother and later his declining health. I fear that his death will come before the bonds are fully restored, and I feel resentment towards Step-mother for her role in the fractured family. I often resent Mother for introducing this revolving door of men into our lives. I still resent not being invited to three of four re-marriages of our parents. Having attended the most recent marriage ceremony, I can't help but feel more connected to not only the man, but also to the relationship with my step-father.
I also find myself feeling guilty for my own role in fractured familial relationships. I was not true to my husband in word or deed. I spoke ill of him for years, and was not honest with him about my feelings. I feel now that I was only acting as taught by example, yet I do not blame either parent for my actions. I know deep down that both of my parents (and grandparents, for that matter) have always acted in my best interest, or as best they were able while dealing with their own "demons."
I have written this post in two efforts as it is such a difficult topic for me to discuss. I feel that my rambling is a sign of more writing to come. Please stay tuned for more "growing up," and as always comments are welcomed!!!
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