Savor the Flavor

A wise friend once told me to remember things as they were at that moment in time as things were sure to change before long.  This friend is officially a family member on paper, but will always remain my "best friend" in my heart.  He was referring to relationships between siblings and significant others at the time, but as I mature I realize that his simple comment applies to all relationships and situations in life.

My mother raised us in a spontaneous house.  My father was absent for the majority of our childhood.  Those two facts were ingrained into us as children.  Mom was quick to make any situation fun, and Dad was someone not to count on calling, showing up, or generally supporting much at all.  Don't get me wrong.  Mom's spontaneity did not make her "the fun parent," nor did Dad's absence make him "the bad parent."  They both had their pros and cons, and were dramatically different in so many ways.

I find myself now frustrated with the role that step-parents have filled for our parents, and how it changed the people we knew as Mom and Dad.  Mom's spontaneous nature is still there, but is often tempered with, "Well, I would, but Step-father doesn't want to."  Dad's absence seems to be less now by his own desire, and more so with Step-mother's lack of desire for contact and interaction.

It's been a very confusing life this way.  After two decades of "training," it can be very hard to re-learn your parents and their "new" ways.  I have personally resorted to a withdrawal of contact and affection with my parents.  I know this is probably not the best thing for any of us, but I've found it to be less painful.  It's easier not to plan last minute events and trips with Mother, only to be disappointed with the "plan's" disapproval by Step-father.  It's also easier to speak minimally by phone with Father than to visit, only to be put-off by Step-mother's attitude and comments.

Very often I feel like when one family didn't "work out," then our respective parents sought comfort in "new families."  The feeling left behind with the children (even as adults) is one of discarded love.  I know this is not true.  I know my parents still love us all, there is no doubt in my mind on that fact.  Facts and feelings are so very different, however, and both are very difficult to "train."

The facts are ugly, and the feelings even uglier.  There's the facts that are "safe."  Those that are allowed to be shared with extended family, and those that are dark secrets in the closet of life's house.  Surrounding all facts are the deep emotions tied to it all, ranging from pure joy to utter despair.

I am currently reading a fictional book that was working on fully gaining my attention.  Then there was a line that stopped me on the page like a hammer to my brain.  "We need parents when we're old too."  I'm too long from school to remember citation rules, so I'll do my best.  This line came from Michael Ondaatje's "Anil's Ghost."  The writer is a favorite of mine since high school when "The English Patient" hit the screen.  His writing is poetic and dream-like to me, and each time I allow myself to become entangled in his novels I find myself the better for the time spent.

What I thought would be a "time killing" read since it was the only book to be found following our move has become something that I yearn to spend more time with.  What a profound and yet simple sentence.  It reminded me of the day that my friend asked me to take it all in before it all went away.

And it did go away.  There were break-ups, moves, marriages, births, deaths, fights, hugs, cries...a little bit of everything that life throws at us all in our day-to-day journeys.  I will always remember the time that I considered to be so happy in my early adulthood with a bittersweet taste.  It was the first time that I realized that family is what you make of it.

I write with the collaboration of my dear sister and grandmother.  I welcome comments, suggestions for new topics, questions...whatever comes to mind.  This is a labor of love for me as I do my best to "get it all out."  I feel that it's a sometimes messy and tedious process, but I shall return again.  :)

Who's the Parent?

In my life, I've been many things.  What I seem to have perfected is being first!  I've been the eldest of three, then after many years I was the eldest of four at 21.  I was the first to marry of the four.  I was the first to have a child.  Some of these firsts were chosen for me, and some I have chosen.

I was the first to be in charge of two younger siblings after my parents split when we were all still in elementary school.  This time period in our lives robbed me of a traditional childhood.  While it would be easy to blame my parents for this, it still won't allow for me to get those years back.  What I chose to do as an adult is to ensure that my children have a rich and fulfilling childhood, so that in a healthy way I can re-experience some of the things that I missed as a child.

What I'm most proud of choosing in my life is being the first of my siblings chose to work out my marriage.  To endure marital separation is something that cannot be explained to anyone that has never experienced this for themselves.  I do not pass judgment on other couples, especially after my own experience with my husband.  I learned many things during our separation that needed to be learned.  I had some experiences during that time that have changed my outlook on not only my marriage, but myself.

As I prepare to celebrate my ninth anniversary with my husband tomorrow, I find myself very often attempting to share what I've learned in my 30 years with others.  Whether that be marital advice, or just advice on life in general -- I feel strongly driven to help others through my shared knowledge and experiences.  This drive applies to all, young and old.  As a troubled teen I like to counsel those dealing with similar issues.  As a wife and mother, I freely share advice with anyone looking for help with their relationship or child rearing questions.

What I find myself faced with much today is having a parent requesting my advice on a constant basis.  This is no different in some ways from a total stranger asking for help.  In many ways, however, this is very different.  There came a time in my life when I felt "smarter" than my parents.  This confidence in my younger years made me quick to offer my parents advice, even when it wasn't solicited.

Now I find myself consistently offering the same advice again and again to my parent, only to watch the same mistakes being made over and over like a bad dream.  I feel a reverse sense of disappointment when I do my best to offer my parent the tools I think are helpful to their situation.  As the child in this relationship, it is very frustrating to witness poor decisions and habits repeated daily by your parent.  I feel as if my child is floundering...yet I'm the child.

This type of exchange between myself and my parent has inspired me to write.  I think the world that we live in today is much more open to exposing the skeletons in your closet.  While I would never want for my parents to feel any sense of disrespect by me or shame from my remarks, I do wish to express how I feel in a productive way.  For any child or adult child of a parent still "growing up," I intend this blog to be a source of comfort and strength.  Comments are encouraged!  Thank you for reading today.  :)